


You Did Your Best

by tiaylasglass



Series: Alec and Dan Verse [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, Hurt Alec, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Poor Alec, Sad Alec, Self-Harm, Violence, alec had a twin, alec isn't okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 16:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiaylasglass/pseuds/tiaylasglass
Summary: Alec had a twin for eighteen years of his life. Five years after his brother's death he breaks down.





	You Did Your Best

Alec had a twin brother. That’s a topic everyone avoids talking about. His twin brother, Daniel Lightwood, was murdered on their eighteenth birthday in a violent attack against the Institute. Alec remembered the day as if it happened yesterday. Every time he closed his eyes he would be met with the bloody sight of his brother dying in his arms.  
  
After his brother’s funeral Alec had been a mess. Some days he’d spend hours in the training room, beating his fists against the punching bag until the skin split and bled and running on the treadmill until he was so dizzy he had to stop. He forgot to eat. He rarely slept. He became a shell of who he used to be.  
  
Today marked the fifth year anniversary of his brother’s death.  
  
Most nights lately were spent with Magnus, but the night before his birthday he hadn’t been able to convince himself to be around people. So, he’d stayed in his office staring blankly at the wall of until the night turned from late afternoon to early morning.  
  
Nobody was walking around the Institute at this time. It was three in the morning and Shadowhunters were either out on patrol or sleeping in their beds, thankful not to be outside in the freezing, wet weather.  
  
Alec could feel tears building behind his eyes and he rubbed them away angrily. _You don’t deserve to grieve. You let him die._ He opened the door to the training room and closed it, drawing a lock rune to avoid anyone interrupting him. Days like this he wished that the walls in the room weren’t made primarily of glass.  
  
Tears blurred his eyes as he stopped in front of the punching bag, losing himself as he used all his strength in each punch.  
  
_“Alec! What’s wrong? Hey,” Alec stopped hitting the bag when he felt a hand rest on his shoulder. “Talk to me, brother.”  
  
“I’m fine, Dan,” Alec huffed. Dan raised an eyebrow and turned Alec to face him properly. Alec heard his sharp intake of breath when he caught sight of the large, dark bruise spread over his face.  
  
“What the hell happened?” Dan asked, his eyes flashing in anger at the sight of his brother hurt.  
  
“Nothing,” Alec ducked his head, letting his hair fall over his face to shield the bruise from Dan’s glare.  
  
“Alec,” Dan pulled him closer, looking at him in concern. “Was it those boys again?” When Alec remained silent Dan growled angrily. “Just give me their names. Please, Alec. I can’t stand seeing you always hiding bruises from us.”  
  
“Dan – ” He cut Alec off.  
  
“No, Alec, I’m serious. Whatever excuses you have made up in your mind for them are stupid and wrong. The way they’re treating you is wrong. You can’t excuse them from that. Tell me their names and I’ll make sure they don’t touch you ever again.” When Alec went to argue he added, “I love you, brother. I can tell you’re not okay. Let me help you.”  
  
In the end, Alec relented. After he gave him the names, Dan stalked off, red-faced in anger as he exited the Academy’s training room. Hours passed and it wasn’t until Alec was lying in bed, drifting off to sleep, when he saw Dan again.  
  
“Hey, you awake?” Dan slipped under the blankets and laid on his back with his side pressed against Alec. The beds at the Academy weren’t made for two people, though Alec and Dan didn’t care.  
  
“Hmm,” Alec forced his eyes open and turned his head to face Dan. “Y’ okay?”  
  
“Those boys won’t bother you again.” The certainty in Dan’s voice was a huge comfort to Alec.  
  
“Thank you,” he said. Dan smiled at him and turned to pull his younger – by three and a half minutes – brother into a quick tight hug before they both fell asleep.  
  
_ Dan had always been there for Alec. When he was being bullied constantly when they first joined the academy Dan had stood up for Alec, making sure the other kids left him alone. Alec Wished he could thank his brother for that one more time.  
  
_“Okay, out with it.” Alec rolled his eyes as his brother entered his room – without knocking – and climbed onto the end of his bed. “Something’s been bothering you for a while now.”  
  
“Just leave it alone, Daniel,” Alec said. At the use of his full name Dan scooted closer with a more serious expression.  
  
“Look, whatever it is it can’t be that bad,” Dan said. “You can talk to me. You know that, right?”  
  
“Of course I do,” Alec replied instantly. No matter how much he’s struggling he always knew that he could trust his brother. Some things were a little harder, however, to talk about. Especially when he was still terrified of admitting it to anyone else.  
  
“Then tell me what’s going on. If you did something wrong I’m sure we can fix it,” he said, growing more worried when Alec refused to meet his eyes. “Is it about that girl? The one Mother keeps telling you to talk to? Cause if it is you know I can help you out. You know, be your wingman and whatnot.”  
  
“It’s… It’s not like that,” Alec said quietly, a small blush appearing. Dan frowned as he tried to understand what Alec meant.  
  
“I don’t understand. Is it the girl?” Alec didn’t reply. “If you don’t like her then just tell Mum. I’m sure there’s some other girl out there you might like.”  
  
“No,” Alec shook his head. Dan was surprised, and worried, to see a few tears dripping down Alec’s cheek before they were harshly rubbed away. “I don’t – that’s not going to happen.”  
  
“Why not?” Dan’s eyes widened when he realised what Alec was saying. “Oh.” More tears fell from Alec’s eyes and, before he could wipe them away, Dan pulled his arms away from his face and leaned forward to envelop him in a tight hug.  
  
“I-I’m sorry,” Alec clutched Dan’s shirt tightly.  
  
“Shh,” Dan said. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. It’s okay, Alec.”  
  
“No it’s not,” Alec argued, pulling back to look at Dan with wet eyes. “What’s Mum going to say? And Dad? They expect me to marry some – some pretty, important girl to help bring honour to our family name. They – they expect me to have b-babies and – and give them grandchildren and I – I can’t do that and they’re going to b-be so mad.”  
  
“Hey, hey, listen to me,” Dan felt worse with each word spoken by his brother. He hadn’t realised that the reason Alec had been acting so withdrawn was because he was struggling to come to terms with his sexuality and he definitely hadn’t realised all the pressure his parents had been putting on Alec, the more mature one of the two twins. “Mum and Dad are just going to have to get over themselves because your happiness is far more important than what a few old, snooty Clave people think.”  
  
“But Dan,” Alec sniffed.  
  
“No, listen to me,” Dan interrupted. Alec let him continue. “One day you will get married. I don’t care if it’s not a girl. It’s no one’s business who you marry because you are going to find someone who’s going to fall in love with **every** piece of you and you’re going to be so, **so** happy with them.”  
  
“You know Mum and Dad will never go for that,” Alec said.  
  
“I don’t care. It won’t be their wedding. It’ll be yours and I will stand by your side on the day you marry the man you love and I will be so proud of you.”  
  
“Even if I don’t marry a girl?” Alec asked, eyes wide and vulnerable.  
  
“I will always be proud of you,” Dan promised. “Even if it’s not a girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t force yourself into an unhappy life because you’re worried about what other people will think of you. I love you so much, brother, and I don’t care if you love boys or girls or both or neither. As long as your happy I’m happy.”  
  
_ Tears were streaming down Alec’s cheeks as he remembered the way Dan had held him that night, promising to always be there, right by his side, through every hardship he had yet to face. But less than two years later Dan was gone. Dan wouldn’t be there by his side when he got married. Dan couldn’t even meet the man Alec knew he was going to marry, because Alec had no doubt that Magnus was it for him.  
  
He'd almost made the biggest mistake of his life. He’d stood at the end of the aisle with a woman he knew he could never love, ready to pledge his life for a political marriage and sacrifice his happiness to make his parents proud. Something Dan had pleaded with him to not do.  
  
But then Magnus had burst in and Alec had walked away from his fiancée and kissed _him_ passionately. Dan would’ve been so proud of him if he had been there. He could almost imagine Dan standing behind him with a large smile covering his face.  
  
It hurt not having Dan by his side. The hole Dan’s death had left in Alec’s heart hadn’t healed over time like many people claimed it would. Time wasn’t the best healer. Time did nothing except make Alec sadder each time he would turn to smile up at his brother, who had been only an inch taller than him, when he had something exciting to share.  
  
The punching bag in front of Alec was slowly growing redder with each punch but Alec was too lost in his pain to care.  
  
_“What are you doing back?” Alec jumped on his brother’s back, causing him to startle. “I thought you were staying in Alicante for another week!”  
  
“I missed you too much,” Dan joked. Alec slid off his back and pulled his brother into a tight hug. “Look at you,” he said with a grin, pinching Alec's cheeks teasingly. “Eighteen looks good on you,” he winked.  
  
Alec rolled his eyes. “We look exactly alike,” he replied deadpanned.  
  
“Nah. I’m taller than you. And stronger,” his eyes glinted as his arms snaked around Alec, throwing him over his shoulder. They both knew that if Alec tried he could free himself, but that would ruin the fun.  
  
Dan ran through the corridor, laughing as Alec shouted at him to put him down while hitting his back. The other Shadowhunters watched their antics in amusement, used to their childishness appearing whenever the two were around each other.  
  
“Dan!” Izzy shouted in surprise, running forward to hug her older brother. Jace followed her. Dan finally let Alec go so that he could greet his other siblings. “Happy birthday!”  
  
“Where’s Max?” he asked.  
  
“With the parents,” Jace said. “How’ve you been? It’s been too long.”  
  
“It was great,” Dan started, freezing when the lights ahead suddenly turned off. Seconds later the emergency red lights flashed on and a siren rang throughout the entire building.  
  
“Breach of the wards!” One of the older Shadowhunters shouted out. They all looked at each other in shock and hurried into action, rushing back the way Dan and Alec had come from and stopping in the weaponry room.  
  
“Jace,” he stopped his brother before they split apart. “Watch Izzy. Don’t let her get hurt.”  
  
Jace nodded. “Be careful,” he said. He leant over and repeated the words to Dan.  
  
“Always am,” he replied with a grin. The second Jace walked away the grin fell and he pulled out his Seraph blade. “Alec,” he passed Alec’s blade to him. “Use your arrows first, though.”  
  
“You just want me to stay back,” Alec stated without any heat. He understood his brother’s reluctance to let Alec fight in the midst of the attack. He felt the same way. Unfortunately, Dan’s choice weapon had been the blade while Alec’s had been his bow and arrow.  
  
“I would lock you in your room if I could,” he shrugged. Alec gave him a small, understanding smile as they stalked out of the room. “Stay close by.”  
  
The first demons had been easy to defeat. A few quick arrows and slashes from the blade were all it took. Dan grimaced at the ichor covering his clothing. “I bought this jacket just the other day,” he complained. More demons came and soon the two were too occupied trying to stay alive to notice how badly they were outnumbered.  
  
Both of them were covered in blood and ichor, with a high number of bruises that were sure to colour their skin by the end of the day. There were far less demons in the room by then and Alec couldn’t help but feel relieved. Sure, he enjoyed the thrill of the fight but he was exhausted. He saw that he only had two more demons in front of him and he fired off two arrows, quick in succession, before turning to where his brother was.  
  
He paled instantly when he realised his brother was on the ground and saw the demon on top of him. He killed the demon straight away and collapsed to his knees at his brother’s side. “Dan! Shit, stay awake,” Alec pulled his jacket off so he could see the large wound on his shoulder better.  
  
“Ah!” Dan cried out in pain as the jacket pulled at his wound. Alec apologised repeatedly until he was able to see the wound clearly, paling further when he saw it had already blackened from the poison.  
  
“Damn it,” he turned his head and shouted for help over his shoulder. “Keep your eyes open, Dan,” he ordered, pulling out his stele to draw a multitude of Iratzes onto his skin. Nothing happened. “Shit, Dan, open your eyes!”  
  
“’M sorry,” Dan slurred, trying to stop his eyes from shutting. “Should’ve b’n more caref’l.”  
  
“You better be sorry,” Alec shouted out for help again. “I’m going to kill you once we’ve healed you.” Dan choked out a laugh at that. “Come on, why is no one coming?”  
  
“Al’c,” Dan’s voice shook. “I love you, y’ know th’t, right?”  
  
“Of course I do, idiot,” Alec ignored the tears that were falling from both of their eyes. “I love you too, brother, but you are **not** dying here.”  
  
“Alec,” Alec shook his head. The look in Dan’s eyes told him that it was too late but he refused to believe that.  
  
“No. No, you’re going to make it out of here and become the best damn Shadowhunter that’s ever been and then, one day when you’re old and ugly, you’re going to own a book store in some small mundane town. You promised to give me free books, remember?”  
  
“You’re a –,” he coughed violently and Alec gasped as blood passed his lips. “You’re s’ch a nerd.”  
  
“I’m the one who got the brains,” Alec tried to joke but the tears falling from his eyes ruined the effect. “For fuck’s sake,” he swore and shouted for help again. “Where is everyone?”  
  
“’S too late,” Dan’s voice was almost too quiet for Alec to hear.  
  
“Don’t say that,” Alec said. “Don’t you dare say that, Dan.”  
  
“I love y-you,” Dan grabbed Alec’s hand tightly. He was trying to be the stronger one, like he usually was, but Alec could see that he was terrified.  
  
“I love you too, Dan,” he ran thumb under Dan’s eyes, wiping away his tears. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”  
  
He didn’t see. Because no one came for them. Not until hours had passed and Dan had taken his last breath a long time ago.  
  
_ Whoever had found the two of them was long-forgotten in Alec’s mind. He hadn’t noticed anyone else entering the room as he sobbed over his brother’s body, screaming for him to _just not be dead_. At some point Jace had pulled him away from Dan’s body, ignoring the blood and ichor covering Alec and wrapping his arms tightly around him while people came in to take Dan’s body to the room where the rest of the fallen were being placed.  
  
Alec was full out sobbing at that point. His hands were burning and the sting in his left hand made him wonder if he had broken something. It wouldn’t be the first time.  
  
He didn’t know how long he had been attacking the punching bag for. Hours, undoubtedly. He wasn’t aware of anything around him and didn’t notice when people entered the room.  
  
~  
  
Magnus had been concerned when he’d woken without Alec beside him. It wasn’t uncommon for Alec to turn up at late hours, apologising for waking him as he undressed and slid in under the blankets, curling up to Magnus for warmth.  
  
He had been surprised to find out that Alec was extremely cuddly, always leaning against Magnus or wrapping his arms around him when they were alone. Waking up with Alec’s arms wrapped around him quickly became the highlight of his day. Unfortunately, this day didn’t start off greatly.  
  
“Izzy?” he answered his phone with a yawn. His phone had been ringing on his bedside table, waking him at six in the morning – far too early to be awake, in his opinion.  
  
“Magnus!” He straightened up at the urgency in her tone. “Thank the angels. Alec needs you.”  
  
“What’s wrong? Is he okay?” Magnus immediately got out of bed, dressing himself as he spoke.  
  
“No. Shit,” she swore. “Has he ever told you about Daniel?”  
  
“Daniel? No?” Magnus shook his head even though she couldn’t see him. He heard Izzy swear again.  
  
“Okay, damn it. Dan was our brother. Alec – he died today five years ago. Alec needs you, Magnus.” Magnus tugged on a shirt, noticing that it was actually one of Alec’s but not caring because he needed to get to his boyfriend instantly and didn’t have time to find a perfect outfit.  
  
“Where is he?” He created a portal straight to where Izzy told him. As soon as he entered the training room he heard the shouting.  
  
“Alec! Calm down!” Jace was holding his arms back while Alec tried to get out of his grasp, tears streaming down his face as he shouted back.  
  
“No! Let me go! Damn it!” Magnus noticed Alec’s bloodied hands and the punching bag still swinging slightly in the middle of the room and connected the dots. “It’s all my fault!” Alec cried. Izzy and Clary were standing together behind the two men, tears dripping down each other’s faces as they watched the scene in front of him.  
  
“Alexander!” Magnus quickly walked up to him, feeling his heart break at the devastation on his love’s face. Alec’s eyes met his and a fresh wave of tears fell. His violent attempts of getting Jace to let him go ceased as he collapsed to the ground. Magnus followed him and pulled him into his arm. Alec sobbed into his shirt, his body shaking as he clung to Magnus.  


“…my fault…” Alec’s words were muffled against Magnus’ shoulder but he understood what he was saying.  
  
“Shh,” Magnus ran a hand through Alec’s hair. He felt his own eyes tearing up as he met Jace’s tear stained face over Alec’s shoulder. He remembered hearing that the Lightwood’s had had three sons but he’d just assumed they’d always counted Jace as the third son. He’d never considered the possibility of there being another Lightwood, especially not one who had passed away.  
  
“It was all my fault,” Alec said, not moving away from Magnus. His sobs had quietened into silent tears. “He died and it was my fault.”  
  
“It wasn’t,” Jace quickly denied. “You did what you could.”  
  
“I wasn’t enough,” Alec shook his head. “He – he would still be here if – if I had been better.”  
  
“It was a demon,” Izzy knelt beside them. “You couldn’t stop it.”  
  
“I should’ve been able to,” Alec whispered.  
  
“You were only a child,” Jace said.  
  
“So was he!” Alec pulled away suddenly. His face was covered in tears and sweat and a little blood from where he had tried to wipe away the tears. “He was too young to – to – he was – he –,” Alec couldn’t finish his sentence.  
  
Magnus put a hand on Alec’s shoulder. “Alec, you need to breathe, my love.” He carefully picked up one of Alec’s hands – the one that wasn’t swollen – and rested it over his heart. “Like this,” he demonstrated, breathing in and out slowly.  
  
“He was my twin, Magnus,” Alec said once he had his breathing under control. Magnus felt his heart break at the vulnerable look on Alec’s face, a painful reminder of Alec’s youth. “I was supposed to protect him.”  
  
“You did your best,” Magnus said softly. He hadn’t been there to see what happened. What he did know had been pieced together through what he’d heard just then. “I may not know the details, but I know _you_. I know you would’ve done everything you could to help him.”  
  
“I did,” Alec sniffed. “There – there was so much blood and – and the poison – I couldn’t _do anything_ ,” his breath hitched slightly. Magnus squeezed his hand.  
  
“There wasn’t anything you could do,” Magnus said.  
  
“No one came,” Alec cried. “I called for help b-but no one came.” Izzy and Jace both looked surprised at that. They hadn’t known the details of the events that day. Alec had refused to talk about it to anyone. They thought Alec had been the one to find their brother’s body. They didn’t realise Alec had been there when it happened.  
  
“God,” Izzy whispered.  
  
“He was so scared,” Alec’s voice shook. “He – he didn’t want to tell me but I could – I could tell.”  
  
“We didn’t know you were there,” Jace said, staring at his brother in shock.  
  
“I couldn’t leave him alone,” Alec sniffed again. “I – I couldn’t do that to him.”  
  
“We know,” Magnus assured him. “You were there for him we he needed you. You were a _good_ brother.”  
  
“But I – I could’ve done more,” Alec said, his eyes dropping to his hands. “I could’ve gotten help or – or done _something_ to help him.”  
  
“Alexander, you never know what could’ve been changed if you had done something differently. Maybe if you had gone for help you still might have been too late. But you didn’t leave him to die alone. That’s what was important,” Magnus wiped Alec’s tears away. “You were there to say goodbye.”  
  
“I miss him so much,” Alec’s voice broke. Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec’s forehead. “I… I wish he was here still.” Alec’s voice trailed off and Magnus watched his eyes close slowly, using his magic to push Alec to sleep. Normally he’d feel bad for using magic on his boyfriend without his explicit consent, but he could tell Alec would’ve fought sleep until he collapsed from exhaustion.  
  
“Thank you, Magnus,” Izzy said a few moments later. She had wiped the tears from her face and the only sign of her crying was the slightly smudged eyeliner and redness of her eyes. Clary wasn’t much better.  
  
“He’s never told us that he was there when Dan died,” Jace said with a strange look in his eyes. “He never said a word about it.”  
  
“He needed time to grieve,” Izzy reasoned.  
  
“He didn’t grieve,” Jace shook his head. “Not properly. Maryse and Robert blamed him for it. Did you know that?”  
  
“What?” Izzy’s eyes widened at his words. “You can’t be serious.”  
  
“I overheard them. They thought if Alec had made it there sooner Dan would still be here.”  
  
“They didn’t say this to Alec, right?” Magnus asked. The angry glint in Jace’s eyes were answer enough. He tightened his hold on Alec. “Give me one excuse…” he closed his eyes in anger. The things he wanted to do to Maryse and Robert after what they put Alec through.  
  
“I can’t believe Alec has been carrying all of this for so long,” Clary spoke quietly, staring in awe at the unconscious man in Magnus’ arms. “I just thought he didn’t like many of us. I never imagined…”  
  
“Alec used to be so much happier,” Izzy remembered. “He and Dan were always running around the corridors, laughing their asses off. They lit up every room they entered.”  
  
“Then after Dan…” Jace sighed. “He’s so much different now. _Sadder_. But he’s not as bad as he used to be. Not since he met you, Magnus.” Magnus blinked in surprise.  
  
“Me?”  
  
“Yeah,” Izzy laughed softly. “He loves you so much. You make him happier than he’s been in five years.” Magnus struggled to believe he was the reason for someone’s happiness – at least, not to the extent that Izzy and Jace were implying.  
  
“Thank you for being there for him,” Jace said sincerely. “I know things haven’t been easy between the two of you and you’ve had your own problems to deal with, but you’ve helped Alec so much.”  
  
“He’s right,” Izzy said. “I almost cried when he kissed you at the wedding,” she admitted. “He looked so happy. It was the first time since Dan died that he did something for himself.”  
  
“I’m just happy that _he_ is,” Magnus said, looking at the man in his arms lovingly.  
  
“Take him home,” Izzy said kindly. “Don’t let him come back until he’s ready.”  
  
“I won’t,” Magnus promised. That was a promise he wasn’t going to break. There was no way he was letting Alec go. Not any time soon.

**Author's Note:**

> this is an idea i've been toying with for a while. i still need to edit this (i swear i write more when i'm exhausted than any other time). thanks for reading!


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